numb is the new deep

baymenxpac@aol.com — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 14:19:12 GMT

i have this feeling this morning. it's damp, with humidity in the air. when i got out of my car and walked to the office, it felt like walking out of my hotel room at old key west on a morning where you're waiting for the florida sun to burn off the early clouds.

coupled with this is the smell of newsprint, my morning paper sitting besides me. the humid feel with the newspaper smell...it reminds me of sitting out on a balcony in florida with my dad, being happy to do nothing but read boxscores and mindlessly chat.

i like my life, but lately, there has been a lot of trying to figure out what actually makes me happy. so when i get a glimpse of a moment that always makes me smile, no matter what is happening around me, it makes me want to run to it and not look back.

i need this trip to baltimore really, really badly.

baymenxpac@aol.com — Fri, 08 May 2009 20:16:46 GMT

i remember how sunny it was. we drove towards the end of woodlawn and went to make a left onto 25a towards 111 to eventually end up at nassau coliseum. i had my eyes squinted so tightly i could barely open them. my mom had just brought me something i wanted so badly: a jake 'the snake' roberts' toy snake complete with the bag the wrestler used to bring his namesake down to the ring. my mom turned around towards me and said, "when we get to dinner, daddy has a surprise for you." i couldn't imagine what it could be. i had already gotten my coveted prop for saturday morning wrestling in my living room. what else could there possibly be?

my grandpa drove my mom and me into the marriot in uniondale. as i recollect the story, it all makes perfect sense. my dad had gotten tickets to a wwf house show event at the coliseum and went straight from his westbury office to the marriot, where my mom and i would meet him for dinner before the event. my grandpa drove us in to nassau county, as my mother is not known for her affinity for driving on any kind of highway.

when we pulled up and my grandpa let us out, i bounded out of the back seat with energy. you see, watching wrestling in person is something i had only done once before that day. but i felt so ill-equipped for the first time, not quite knowing what to expect. this time, i was ready. i was prepared for the smell of popcorn and the colorful merchandise stand that smacks you right in the face the minute you step into the coliseum concourse doors. with my replica championship belt, my hulk hogan t-shirt and bandana on, i raced towards the hotel, knowing a short meal was all that stood in the way of me and these larger than life heroes i watched every weekend situated infront of the tv, a plate of elios pizza and my wrestling figure collection in hand.

when i saw my dad, he was standing by the restaurant door waiting for us. he smiled and nodded and the piano player in the restaurant started playing the most amazing thing i had ever heard to that point: an on cue version of 'real american,' the entrance music for my favorite wrestler: hulk hogan. what were the chances? a piano player that knew the arrangement? that was a wrestling fan? that understood as much as i did that hulk hogan was the one man in a country of millions that fought for justice and truth, honor and integrity?! how did my dad find this kindred spirit? how did he convince him to do it? it was devine intervention. it was a miracle.

just thinking about it gives me chills and tears in my eyes. because at that every moment, i was convinced my father could do anything in the world. and my mom and my dad watched my face light up and how good that must have made them feel is something i can't even begin to describe.

all i ever want to be is that happy. all i ever want to do is make someone's face light up like mine did on that hot, summer day.

if no one ever understands me at all, maybe you can at least sympathize with this: what's it like to have a whole world of people at your disposal and still feel like maybe sometimes your best days have already passed? i pray to god that's not true. but in the meantime, nothing has made me smile more in a long, long time than the memory of a day i believed in magic.

baymenxpac@aol.com — Sun, 12 Oct 2008 16:53:16 GMT

i love growing out my hair because:

it reminds me of the kid i was
it reminds me of the man i want to be

and the speckles of gray in my sideburns and by my temples remind me i'm not that far away from either

baymenxpac@aol.com — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 15:48:19 GMT

to shea stadium (1964-2008),

i sit here at a loss for words. ending on era on the second straight disappointment of a season was by far and away the hardest thing that could have resulted from yesterday. you were so good to me over the years that you didn't deserve to go out like that. but i want to let you know that even though it's hard to crack a smile today because of what happened, i will always remember what you gave me.

on a summer day in 1988 against the padres, my mother and father took me to shea stadium for gary carter starting lineup day. i was three years old, wide eyed and naive. my whole life in front of me. not knowing that when i walked up the ramp on the field level and was hit in the eye by a field so green and a sky so blue i had to shield my eyes, that i would find the great love of my life. i don't remember the score of that game. and i don't need to. i just know that 20 years later when i walked up the ramp and saw that same field. the same blue outfield wall. the same silly plywood top hat. the same scoreboard that looked so monsterous that day, i wondered how anyone could even imagine such a thing. i got the same chills i did the very first time.

over the years, i have seen some amazing baseball moments at shea stadium. mike piazza's first game as a met against milwaukee in 1998. opening day 2000 against the padres and derek bell's game winning home run. benny agbayani's walk off home run against the giants in game 3 of the 2000 nlds. the raising of the 2000 national league championship banner the next opening day. the second game back after the 9/11 attacks when mike piazza let us discover we still knew how to cheer again the night before. the june 2005 game against the angels when marlon anderson hit a game tying inside the park home run and cliff floyd won it with a walk off homer in the 11th. mike piazza's last game as a met. what seemed like every game i attended in 2006, especially david wright's walk off hit against mariano rivera. every single opening day from 2000-2008, and the optimism that came with a new season.

and i've seen some heartbreakers. last year and this year's season finale most notably.

but you provided me with so much more than just a collection of baseball nostalgia. something happened inside those walls. you gave birth to a bond that one person could never, ever be greatful enough for. for shea stadium has brought my entire family together. most notably me and my father. no matter what happened, life was always perfect at shea. when my dad lost his best friend at 12 years old. when i went through my first break up. when my dad found out he'd have to find a new job. or when i realized what attending games with him 1200 miles away was like. inside your walls, the rest of the world waited. they waited for us. for us to finish what we started: a beautiful day for baseball.

you have given me great moments with my mom, too. i'll never forget taking her to a game against the phillies in 2006 the day before my college graduation weekend started. and my grandparents, which they celebrated in the stadium's final month by attending games with me. the mets even gave the world the only on-record hug between my father and my grandfather when mookie's dribbler went through buckner's legs in the 1986 world series. that is everything. my family is everything. you are everything.

i've made life changing decisions at shea stadium. i've taken my first girlfriend to shea stadium. i've been driven there and fell asleep on the ride home after stuffing myself full of as many hot dogs and helmet sundaes i could fit in me. and i've gotten behind the wheel and taken some of the most important people in the world to me there. i've been there every year at least 5 times for the last 20 years. i'll put the estimate somewhere around 250 games. you've seen me small and grown. skinny and fat. you've gotten me out of st. james and nesconset elementary early. you've made me ditch smithtown middle school. forget about smithtow high school for a day. you've seduced me into skipping class at old westbury and bailing out at nyit. you even got me to take my first vacation day from my first real job.

so thank you. thank you for every tuesday and friday game of 2002--tickets my parents bought for me for my high school graduation. thank you for every single sunday home game from 2005 to 2008, when my dad and i, and this year, some of the best stand ins i could have asked for gave it all we had to get a victory. thank you for the doubleheader in 2003 my dad and i went to on a fly and sat in the stands with only about 700 people for game one. thank you for that one game against the cardinals back in 1992 when anthony young gave up 7 runs in the first inning where my dad and i snuck down to seats 5 rows from the field. thank you for the 8 hour wait on line to get tickets for the 2002 season in 28 degree weather. and for tom glavine's horrible first and last outings as a met. for this year and last year, which had so many good memories despite their unbearable endings. for the days my dad and i would sit down with the schedule and pick games we wanted to buy tickets for when the schedule came out. and that one last moment where my dad's hero threw the last pitch that will ever be thrown from that mound to my hero. the perfect symmetry of it all. thank you for all of it.

i want to take this very moment to say goodbye to my favorite things about you.

here's to:

-loge 29 row a, seats 15 and 16 and row b, seats 3 and 4. my sunday '05 seats and my tuesday/friday '02 seats.
-loge 25 row a, seats 15 and 16. my sunday seats from '06-08.
-the pizza stand behind home plate on the field level i once scaled a fence to get to
-new era cap stand in the loge where too many hats for one head was purchased
-my '06 mezzanine reserve playoff seats. the only place i sat where i legitimately thought my dream would come true.
-the retired number and championship banner walls. where i let my imagination go wild with possibilities.
-the old keyspan sign that rose up from the picnic area. where i always envisioned mike piazza would clank one off of.
-the grassy knolls in the left and right field corners. which i could never understand why they existed, but loved them just the same.
and finally
-the roosevelt avenue parking lot. i love you most of all. i love the smells of charcoal. the old, broken down building. the walk across the street undernearth the 7 train. looking at everyone's jerseys on the way into the stadium. i hope i get to revisit you in just over 6 months.

we never got our moment. just me and you. looking at a dog pile on the mound. and smiling knowing we did it together. i hope if citi field gives me that moment, you'll be watching somewhere. at least i know i'll have you in my heart.

goodbye, my friend. i truly do love you. thank you for the memories. the love. the high fives of perfect strangers. the conversations. the warmth. the bitter, bitter cold. the hopes. the dreams. the victories. the defeats. i couldn't think of a better setting for the thrills of a lifetime.

yours always,

brian richard erni

baymenxpac@aol.com — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 14:18:03 GMT

i am not above begging

i'm not

so don't think i won't

in fact, i will

please.

please GOD

anyone

anyone in heaven, on earth or otherwise

please let the mets make the playoffs

i need to believe in something

please

baymenxpac@aol.com — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 15:53:25 GMT

okay i have to say this:

what did i do wrong in my life that the mets are doing this to me?

last year was abysmal. it was just flat out heartbreaking. on the way to the game sunday, i told my grandmother about it and talking about it actually felt like talking about a break up. that slight crack of sincerity and fear in your voice that happens naturally when you open up about something that hurt you so much you thought, just for a moment, that you'd never love again. i explained how my dad and i just sat at home on that 30th day of september absolutely shell-shocked. and then 5 hours later, greg norton hit a pinch-hit, three-run home run that disappeared into the mets bullpen in right field that turned, what looked like an easy 4-2 victory against the lowly braves, into an eventual 7-4 defeat.

but all was not lost, as the mets were headed to play the nationals in a four game series that began monday night. and now only 3 mets runs later, on the heels of 7-2 and 1-0 losses, i'm officially starting to freak out. yes, they have a 1/2 game lead on the brewers for the wild card that provides some mental sanity, but not much. i don't believe this 2008 team is as inept as 2007's. but i can't stand this feeling that i get. it must be how cubs fans feel when they see their team take a lead in a crucial spot. and how red sox fans used to feel. the mets are writing themselves into that side of history. and personally, it feels like crap.

i want to enjoy the cool air. i want to put my new mets track jacket on in pride. i want to have grand day dreams about what is possible next month. i just want to get wrapped up in the push to the postseason.

but then i think back. and think about how much it hurt to not see my team in the playoffs last year after planning on it for the entire summer. and i think about how september 28th deserves to be a celebration of shea stadium without an air of forboding or angst. how it should just be a reflection on all the amazing memories i've shared with my father and mother, two of the three girls i've ever loved in my life and some of the best friends i've ever had. i want to remember what it felt like to almost be floating on air on the way down the ramp when benny agbayani hit his most important home run of his life on october 5, 2000 and how the green of the grass hurt my eyes so much the first time i walked into that cavernous ballpark in 1988. i want to remember opening day 2003, freezing my ass off while watching a 15-2 loss and realizing that this had to be love to endure such a thing. or showing up to a game in may 1998 to see my boyhood hero emerge from the mets dugout for the first time in orange and blue. i want it all to be on the way to one last hurrah in the playoffs. one last chance at a third championship at building that was almost as important to my life than air. i want to taste the champagne i never got to open last year and most of all, i want to stick it to every headline writer that gets a rise out of the misery of a fan base that loves their baseball team more than most can even comprehend.

i'm giving you my heart. please don't break it. please don't make me regret it. be on top 12 days from now. give me my chance. show me that second and third and fourth chances are worth giving. make me whole again.

baymenxpac@aol.com — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 18:54:08 GMT

might as well throw an old school, keeping everyone appraised update in:

today is absolutely, drop-dead gorgeous outside. about 73 degrees with not a cloud in the sky. when i went home for lunch, i opened up all the windows and let the fresh air in. it felt incredible. i'm a huge proponent of summer, but the first hints of fall are undeniably exciting.

i'm pumped for the rest of this week. tonight after work, i'm hitting the gym and coming home to some subway for dinner and a HUGE game between the mets and phils. tomorrow, wing night with the boys. thursday, breeze and bri night as we grab some dinner, draft our fantasy football teams and play madden to the wee hours of the morning. then friday is my last early friday of the summer. but linds and i are celebrating with a trip to roosevelt field and an on the border lunch/dinner. i'm really looking forward to it. this weekend is labor day weekend, which is bizarre in its own right. i remember the start of my early fridays like it was yesterday. how it was preceded by our first game of the season the night before. it's unreal to think about all that has happened over these three months. but i think it has truly defined my life.

i think, without a doubt, i am happier right now, in this moment, than i have ever been before in my life. i have an incredible job practically in my backyard, an amazing girlfriend, three of the best friends a guy could ask for in sandy, mark and tim, and of course the love and support of my family. it's all really coming together.

so this weekend will be barbeques aplenty. amanda's on sunday where i get to hang out with the boys from the team and bask a little in our 2nd place season. monday, mark and jen are coming over to grill with linds and me. it should be awesome.

here's to summer 2008: you went too fast. and there are parts of you i would tweak. but everything that you've brought me, i can honestly say i will cherish forever.

baymenxpac@aol.com — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 21:07:32 GMT

and the rebirth of brian erni continues. this weekend was exactly what i needed. because when i feel like i, to quote john, "carry the weight of the world in the palm of my hand," i need to feel whole. i need to lay on the couch and talk about baseball and only baseball with my dad. i need my mom to call me 'baby.' i need to not feel like i felt last week. i need to remember that every time in my life i feel like i'm being replaced, there's a spot permanently reserved with the seat 'son' written on the back for me.

i need to never, ever feel like i did last week. i'm letting go. i'm letting go of the person i was. i'm letting go of how bitter i was and how angry it makes me when the people in my past don't realize how much damage they have done. i'm proud of the man i am and i never want to forget that. thank god for roy and joan erni. very few people get to have what i have. i'm eternally grateful.

the rest of my life is one giant step ahead.

i'm taking it.

baymenxpac@aol.com — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 16:52:57 GMT

i think i've been going through a quarter life crisis the past week or so. i realized this yesterday afternoon. i'm okay with it. i think it's pretty normal actually. but for some reason, i seem to be obsessed with the year 2003. in a lot of ways, everything keeps coming back to it.

i spoke to dave for the first time in 3 months, and for only the third time since february, on tuesday. we had never been better friends than we were that year.

i saw jamie kassay last night. ugh. how many 2003 live journal entries had been about jamie kassay? i remember one i wrote the day before that christmas to get me over it. and getting a comment from ari that i'm pretty sure launched my feelings for her.

i've been thinking a lot about caitlin barrett lately. and how i'll probably, and very very regrettably, never talk to her again. how our friendship ended over something i didn't even do. and how i never took the time to tell her that. we've all hurt people in some way in this world. i've had my fair share like anyone else. of all the people i've hurt, intentionally or not, she's the one person i'll never forgive myself for.

today's the 5 year anniversary of the blackout of '03.

and what an asshole i was in the summer of 2004. thinking back, i'm not really sure what prompted a lot of actions back then. i had to be good to someone that summer, but looking back on it, it sure doesn't seem like it.

what started this hole nostalgic, yet masochistic, trip down memory lane was stumbling upon erin adams' old xanga site. turns out she always had a lot of anger towards me that i didn't even know existed. i'm not sure that some of it was warranted, but i know some of it was.

i don't know where this is coming from. it's like a perpetual weighing on my mind. thus the basis of yesterday's entry.

on an off note, i find it refreshing no one reads this. i remember trying to be vailed with my comments, yet still articulate them in a way people who were reading it knew what i was talking about.

almost 24. no more school. a career. a house. hell, a new fucking lawn mower. yup, if this is my quarter life crisis, i'm gonna ride it out.

baymenxpac@aol.com — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 14:05:14 GMT

things that make it okay that summer is rapidly approaching its end:
-that incredibly amazing first-hint-of-fall smell
-no longer having to drive to nassau county every night
-starting a string of labor days where 'goodybye' isn't among the things on my mind
-the mets right in contention for what would be their second division championship in three years

things that i'll miss most during/after september:
-the first day of school
-regular season games at shea stadium
-the way the cool air walking through nyit felt on my feet

on a side note, i've realized i've had more conflict in the past i wasn't aware of than i realized. if anyone is out there and you'd like to make ammends, i'd like that.

baymenxpac@aol.com — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 04:14:57 GMT

if i can do one thing as well as roy erni is a father, i will be a lucky man. if i'm half the man that he is, i'll be better human being than i could ever imagine. thank you for everything, dad. here's to our next chapter.

hola, '08

baymenxpac@aol.com — Mon, 31 Dec 2007 07:23:11 GMT

the tradition continues! tomorrow when 2008 comes, it will come with me again doing my end of the year survey :)

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
went to europe, gotten a B+ in grad school, played in an unlimited baseball and men's softball league, visited sandy in potsdam

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
my resolutions went, for the most part, filled, so i am pretty happy. and i'm always trying to find new ways to improve myself.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
nope.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
<3 no sir

5. What countries did you visit?
england!

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
the mets giving me the satisfaction i need

7. What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
april 1st (mets open 2007 by beating the cardinals...sometimes i had been waiting 5 months for), august 29th (linds leaves for london), september 30th (the mets complete the greatest collapse in the history of baseball. i was there), november 7th (arrive in london!)

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
completing the first year of grad school with a 4.0

9. What was your biggest failure?
i love that i'm having a hard time figuring one out. i would have to say i guess not cracking that mendoza line. but i will this year!

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
i strained my rotator cuff at the end of the summer from excessive use. a nasty sinus infection in february.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
most definitely my plane ticket, hotel room and all expenses to/in london

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
lindsay's for being my world even with an ocean between us, sandy for moving half way across the country and having our friendship grow even stronger, mark for making life simple when i feel like it's too much for me to deal with, my parents for being honest and open with me and respecting me throughout the most trying and turbulant times

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
not even worth discussing

14. Where did most of your money go?
london, christmas presents, baseball expenses

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
being a worldly traveler, the jazz bowl and team leroy's kick ass jerseys, playing baseball again

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
"chacaron", "no te veo"-casa de leones, "i don't wanna lose your love tonight"-the outfield, "beautiful girls"-sean kingston, "radio nowhere"-bruce springsteen, "she wants it (ayo technology)-50 cent ft. justin timberlake", "crank dat"-soulja boy, "kiss kiss"-chris brown ft. t pain, "umbrella"-rhianna

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? happier

ii. thinner or fatter? mmm i feel fatter after applebees. but about the same. a little more muscular.

iii. richer or poorer? richer.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
more heart to heart conversations

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
drinkinggg and eating. too many bars in the summer after games haha and too many prime 60 late night fried food fests

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
it started similarly to last year. linds, back from london, and i went to the city of the 20th. we went to the glory days of baseball exhibit, ate at maxwells, and saw the tree. we exchanged on the 23rd. then christmas eve. sandy and i ran errand, played some great games of madden (of course i'm victorious again), went to the grandparents, where sandy and i drank waaaaay too much champagne. and we got and gave great presents. then christmas morning with the parents and grandparents, played a lot of nhl 08, went to my grandparents again for some more family time, then came home, sandy came over and we played video games until we couldn't keep our eyes open

22. Did you fall in love in 2007?
most definitely.

23. How many one-night stands?
not a one

24. What was your favorite TV program?
lost. prison break. studio 60 on the sunset strip. how i met your mother. 24. survivor. big brother.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
i'd love to say no, but i'll own up to it and say yes

26. What was the best book you read?
moneyball

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
eric hutchinson (thanks to linds)

28. What did you want and get?
love, an exciting baseball season, new catcher's gear, new d wright and ricky d jerseys

28. What did you want and not get?
the mets in the playoffs again, a laid back summer, an A in my marketing and crisis pr classes

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
sweeney todd: the demon barber of fleet street. superbad. transformers.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
i was 23. i woke up in my hotel room in london with lindsay. we went over and had lunch at the refectory at regents college. we walked around the city, went to top man, where linds bought me my birthday presents, went to dinner at this delicious chicken place, then bought alcohol and pregamed, then went out for the most hilarious and amazing night at "dave and busters" on crack

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
the mets winning the nl east for the second straight year and winning their third world series

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
much more mature, as i had to go to work more often, but also a lot more laid back in the summer especially after games.

34. What kept you sane?
my family, lindsay, sandy, mark, tim, the new york metropolitans baseball club (at times), the long island baymen

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
scarlett johanssen

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
the ensuing election, the state of public education

37. Who did you miss?
linds and sand more than words can describe while they were away.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
jess macleish. kristen casey. andrea fasano. lauren casamassa.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007:
that no matter what life throws my way, i am prepared to deal with it. and no matter what, as long as you surround yourself with people that love and support you, you can make it through anything.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"wonder if you'll understand
it's just the touch of your hand
behind a closed door
all i needed was the love you gave
all i needed for another day
and all i ever knew
only you"

here we come

baymenxpac@aol.com — Mon, 01 Jan 2007 00:44:59 GMT

i love this as an end of the year survery, simply for my own edification. so i figured i'd keep my tradition :) happy 2007!

1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
went to three national league championship series games, graduated college, attended and completed a grad school semester, went to new paltz

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i fufilled my resolutions yet again and i will definitely be making more

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
nope.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
once again, thankfully no.

5. What countries did you visit?
once again limited to the ol' epcot pavillions.

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
complete satisfaction (this applies to baseball haha)

7. What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
february 14th (me and linds' first valentine's day), may 14th (my college graduation), may 28th (my grad party),august 25th (john mayer on the today show), october 7th (mets clinch the first round), december 20th (linds and me do the city)

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
graduating college and my 4.0 in grad school

9. What was your biggest failure?
not keeping in touch with as many people as i would have liked to

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
i don't think any besides my random fever on christmas eve

11. What was the best thing you bought?
besides my sweet ass new year's outfit, i'd say lindsay's christmas presents :)

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
triiiiifecta for being my very best friends no matter what, lindsay for being my one true love, and my family for standing by me

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
ian. absolutely atrocious

14. Where did most of your money go?
birthday and christmas presents, food, clothes, summer excursions!

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
grad school, playstation 3, the mets playoff run, my future

16. What song will always remind you of 2006?
"jukebox hero"-foreigner, "lady" and "renegade"-styx, "how can we be lovers if we can't be friends"-michael bolton, "over my head"-the fray, "waiting on the world to change"-john mayer

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? happier

ii. thinner or fatter? thinner.

iii. richer or poorer? richer.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
more heart to heart conversations

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
drinking. a couple too many bar nights for my liking.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
i started it in the city with lindsay on the 20th seeing wicked and eating at serendipity 3, on the 23rd linds and i exchanged presents, then on christmas eve, i mended my illness, then went to my grandparents' with sandy and the fam, played the tradition madden game with the sandman. then christmas morning her with the parents and grandparents, afternoon at uncle rich's and linds came over at night for pie and naps :)

22. Did you fall in love in 2006?
over and over again

23. How many one-night stands?
none of course :)

24. What was your favorite TV program?
24. lost. prison break. grey's anatomy. survivor. big brother.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
i really don't hate anyone. too busy/apathetic for grudges.

26. What was the best book you read?
fantasyland-sam walker

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
the riflemen ;)

28. What did you want and get?
a true loving relationship with lindsay, my college diploma, a 4.0 in my first grad semester, the mets made the playoffs, won the division and got to the nlcs, ps3

28. What did you want and not get?
the mets fell short in the nlcs and didn't win the pennant nor the world series, complete inner peace

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
honestly, probably night at the museum haha. bad movie year.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
i was 22. i woke up and went to the gym with my grandpa, went out to lunch with my grandparents and mom at bella vita for my birthday, hung around and was lazy, gave lindsay her birthday presents, went to my grandparents' for a drink and went to applebees for half prices apps with linds, dave, adam, kristin and nicole gerbino

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
the mets winning game 7 of the nlcs and then going on to win the world series

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
always classy and laid back. more clean cut as i went back to the short hair. the clean cut of course applying post beard, as i had one for about a month and a half.

34. What kept you sane?
my family and friends, of course. the mets (more often than not). music.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
brittany snow

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
the war in iraq, tha hanging of saddam hussein, the persistant disregard for the rest of the world by our nation's leaders.

37. Who did you miss?
jill brodie! i missed sandy the most thing year because i went 4 full months without seeing him.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
andrew oilman, erica nabinger, leah rotella

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006:
that all you truly need in this life are a few people who are the world to you. you will stand by you and never

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"me and all my friends
we're all misunderstood
they say we stand for nothin' and
there's no way we ever could
now we see everything that's going wrong
with the world and those who lead it
we just feel that we don't have the means
to rise above and beat it"-john mayer

and

"all that i am
all that i ever was
is here in your perfect eyes
they're all i can see"-snow patrol

baymenxpac@aol.com — Thu, 19 Jan 2006 16:43:12 GMT

so maybe it's just because all my graduate school applications are in, or maybe it's because more and more people are starting to bring their ljs back, but i just feel so compelled to write. i shouldn't say write so much as ramble. that's mostly was will make up this entry.

is it me or is it hard to believe that winter break is essentially over? where did those 40 days go? this actually was probably the most busy, productive and best one i've ever had. it's interesting to me how i define my life by feelings. just even in typing this i'm thinking, "oh yeah. winter break '03 was such a lazy good time with the cruise and '04 was so epic with afternoon conversations." lazy and epic. that's a jump. nevertheless, i guess this winter break had a little bit of everything. the christmas build up and disney. random nights up until four am beating video games or watching good tv in wonderful company. seeing movies. eating applebees and diner food. countless conversations and laughs in my basement. it's just been fantastic.

did i say before that my grad applications are done? holy crap. it still hasn't sunk in that they're actually done considering all the stress i put myself under back as far as september to get the ball rolling on them. it will be nice once i start getting in places to know, though, that i completely drove myself to do all of it. i think you get a different kind of satisfaction when you apply to grad school. for college, high school basically grooms you for it and adjusts your schooling accordingly to make sure you're ready for it. yeah...i think...yup, i'm going to say it: college is the new high school. it's so true, though. just in terms that it's becoming an expected norm. no one's pushing you to go further than college now, much like high school was 20-30 years ago. therefore, when you have to go through that application process pretty much all alone, it's nice when it's actually all over.

but it's also scary as anything to think that, all things being equal, i could have my masters by this time two years from now. it's also kind of weird to think that this is my last semester at old westbury. as strange as it might seem, i've developed quite an affinity for that school. the way it smells on campus when you step outside at the first hint of spring. or the drive in during the fall and seeing the leaves changing on all the trees. ok, maybe i won't miss ALL the trees on campus, but you get my point.

oh, college. how you went by entirely too fast. why do i have a feeling i'm going to be saying that about my life for the next 10 years or so. it all seems so excelerated, but i'm not going to lie, i still love it.

sigh. that's my conclusion of this ramble. i love life. so articulate, i know, but i find it classic.

baymenxpac@aol.com — Sat, 31 Dec 2005 22:11:11 GMT

so in honor of 2006, i figured i'd bring back last year's survery with the dates changed appropriately, just to see how far i've come :)
enjoy.

1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before?
won our division in softball, got into a major car accident, visited someone at college, brought and drank alcohol legally, tried sushi!

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i definitely was the most true to a new years resolution i have ever been, yet there's always room for another.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
nope.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
once again, thankfully no.

5. What countries did you visit?
limited to the epcot pavillions this year, but i'm ok with that.

6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?
perspective.

7. What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
january 21st and july 23rd.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
being inducted into my school's honor society, applying to graduate school.

9. What was your biggest failure?
my accident.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
i was injured for a good month with my chest contusion, whiplash and nondisplaced fracture of my nose.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
hm. probably the radio city tickets for me and lindsay, because it prompted the most fun weekend EVER.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
my trifecta buddies for keeping our friendship on track and being a support system for each other. lindsay for caring about me more than anyone ever has before. the family, again, for their unconditional love and support.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
this was a wonderful year, and i wasn't depressed much, but i will say i find it disconcerting that some people don't drop grudges.

14. Where did most of your money go?
clothes, once again. birthday and christmas presents. FOOD! :)

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
planning the group's upcoming disney trip, the prospect of living in the city, some chick ;)

16. What song will always remind you of 2005?
"golddigga"-kanye west, "all that she wants"-ace of base, "soul meets body"-death cab for cutie, "take me home tonight"-eddie money

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? happier

ii. thinner or fatter? i'm a little more bulky, but it's muscle.

iii. richer or poorer? richer.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
taken a deep breath and relaxed a little more. maybe gotten a massage or two. just given myself a little room for increased mental health, because i stressed WAY too much.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
eating. a little too much food this summer.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
i started it by doing presents with lindsay in the a fternoon, then spent christmas eve at nan and pop's with them, uncle john, my parents and sandy again, as per the tradition. morning, nan, pop, and uncle john came to open presents. afternoon was uncle rich's with everyone, and night was all about playing my new video games!

22. Did you fall in love in 2005?
yes

23. How many one-night stands?
none!

24. What was your favorite TV program?
lost. the oc. survivor. big brother.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
i still do believe that i can't hate anyone

26. What was the best book you read?
"three nights in august" by buzz bissinger and "team rodent: how disney devours the world" by carl hiaasen.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
the honorary title, the bravery, aqualung (all thanks to linds)

28. What did you want and get?
the feelings that i was and am complete, honors in both semesters, my pedro martinez jersey

28. What did you want and not get?
the mets AGAIN didn't make the playoffs, the jets won't be quite bad enough to grab reggie bush, and that six pack is ever so elusive.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
star wars episode iii: revenge of the sith

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
i was 21. after school and the gym, i went to bella vita with my parents and grandparents for my first legal drink and dinner. after, lindsay came over and we exchanged presents, talked to my parents for about two hours and then watched the o.c.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
i've been on this question for a good half hour, and i truly have no answer, which bodes very well

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005?
more laid back. the hair was grown out all year until recently. after dressing up for news12 most of spring semester, summer was about t-shirts or short sleeve button ups and sandals. yet, still keeping it classy.

34. What kept you sane?
my family and friends, of course. baseball, as it most often does.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
rachel mcadams

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
media consolidation

37. Who did you miss?
the real mike.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
jill brodie, amanda and vinny

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005:
in short, the every day grind of life can consume you. it can stress you out and make you lose perspective, until one day, while freaking out about things that are completely inconsequential, you end up nearly losing your life. life is so fleeting, yet ever so valuable. never let anything make you lose your way.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
we spent some time
together walking
spent some time just talking
about who we were
you held my hand so
very tightly
and told me what we
could be dreaming of
there’s nothing like you and i

baymenxpac@aol.com — Fri, 18 Nov 2005 17:01:35 GMT

On November 24th

be a part

of the Thanksgiving football game

that has entrenched itself

into St. James/Smithtown folklore

Three time defending champions, Team LeRoy, looks for a fourth consecutive title

but

Jon Castelli leads Team Olmec into battle on a quest, once again, to dethrone the champions

Come be part of the place

where champions are crowned

and heroes become legends

Team LeRoy (Brian Erni, Adam Henchel, Mark Brienza, Sandy Tepper)

vs.

Team Olmec (Jon Castelli, Chris Constantino, Gavin Lahann and Jimmy DeNino)

with head official and Jazz Bowl legend LeRoy Francis Erni

in St. James/Smithtown's FINEST Thanksgiving Day Football Game

10am, Gaynor Park, be there for...

JAZZ BOWL IV

Card subject to change. Jazz Bowl, Team Leroy and all logos and slogans are official trademarks and are not to be deceminated without express written consent from the LeRoy Francis Football League (LFFL). All rights reserved. Copyright 2005. Sort of.

baymenxpac@aol.com — Fri, 11 Nov 2005 21:36:08 GMT

well, i just want to thank everyone who called, texted, imed and posted on my facebook for my birthday. seriously, no matter how simple a thing it is, it really does mean the world to me.

and i want to thank my family for a great day. the dinner and the gifts were incredible, but unnecessary. it all truly made me feel so special.

and, of course, to the person that means the most to me, thank you for everything. not only yesterday, but all the 364 other days of the year, too. while it's true that there was truly no better way to spend my 21st birthday than the way i did last night, i am thankful for every single moment i get to spend with you in my life. and happy birthday to you, too! :) i hope it's all you can imagine and more.

and so marks the last integral step before the next exciting portion of this month....and you know what that is.

the promo

is

coming

but, in closing and all seriousness, my life would not nearly mean as much as it does without the wonderful people i have in it. thank you for reminding me all the reasons why i look foward to each moment in every single day.

baymenxpac@aol.com — Fri, 05 Aug 2005 17:44:35 GMT

while i echo ther sentiments of my favorite person, i, too, would like to immortalize:

aceofbase

division

champions!!

baymenxpac@aol.com — Mon, 13 Jun 2005 04:28:37 GMT

this summer has been and is going to be amazing.

i don't even know how to contain myself.

i love the fact that everyone has ace of base written in their profile along with a saying.

and i love the fact that fourth of july already has me excited :)

or what about the fact that every night

for the next few months

has the potenital to top of glory the previous night.

and that the most important people in my life

will share every once of these days and nights with me.

summer 2005, you treat me too well.

baymenxpac@aol.com — Mon, 25 Apr 2005 17:19:03 GMT

five people not previously mentioned that get ME goin' more than you can comprehend:

-jillian mae brodie
-kait fleming
-ian (victoria) van sack
-jennifer johnson
-andrew bischler

long, pensive summer entry to follow, most likely, late tonight

<3

baymenxpac@aol.com — Fri, 15 Apr 2005 22:16:31 GMT

three people who shall make this THE BEST summer of my life:

-lindsay denninger
-sandy tepper
-chris rossi

more anticipating summer entries to follow

baymenxpac@aol.com — Fri, 08 Apr 2005 05:40:38 GMT

i sit, my own small crevas of the world overthrown by the darkness of night, finding simple pleasure in the tapping against my window sill, that of an unseasonably warm rain on this pleasant spring evening. more important than pleasure, though, i draw comfort, merely being soothed as this theraputic rain cleanses my soul.

this week was, undeniably, trying. as i sat alone, sulked and engulfed by misery, on a tattered curb in a rain much colder than tonight's, just a few feet away from the first time my eyes met hers, i wondered if i'd get this far. i feared that i just wouldn't let myself trudge through this week; reach another moment. alas, i endure, as many before me have, each clinging to this semblance of refuge from the labors of strife we perceiver through.

life is...unpredictable, and, more often than not, we gaze upon it's tumultuous moments as ominous, instead of finding in each a new revalation. while we scorn change, we rely on it, for it brings us new possibility the reach the finish. i do think, that in some way, though, we all believe that, in the end, things will lay as they are supposed to. call it naive in assumption, yet as we grimmace at each cliche, we find cling the warmth of their outlook.

the moral, i believe to be, is that we are here to live. live and love. care and understand. hope and pray. and, in our own way, we take solice in our own april rain storms. in that, with each night, there comes daybreak, one that can be free of all indiscretions, and it is in those mornings that we are revived to reach a day where we end up exactly where we had hoped.

even if you cannot hear my voice, i'll be right beside you, dear

baymenxpac@aol.com — Mon, 04 Apr 2005 03:15:16 GMT

it's 11:11

and it's the last time

i'll wish for what i do every night.

i've tried to put

every single waking breath

of honesty

passion

hope

and love

i have in my body

into the last few months of my life.

and even though

that might not

account for much right now

i wouldn't change a thing about it

why not

baymenxpac@aol.com — Thu, 31 Mar 2005 05:53:23 GMT

Your dating personality profile:

Liberal - Politics matters to you, and you aren't afraid to share your left-leaning views. You would never be caught voting for a conservative candidate.
Romantic - You know exactly how to melt your date's heart. Romance comes naturally to you and is an important component of any relationship you have.
Big-Hearted - You are a kind and caring person. Your warmth is inviting, and your heart is a wellspring of love.

Your date match profile:

Romantic - You need someone with a traditional understanding of romance. A true romantic is a must-have in any potential date.
Conservative - Forget liberals, you need a conservative match. Political discussions interest you, and a conservative will offer the viewpoint you need.
Practical - You are drawn to people who are sensible and smart. Flashy, materialistic people turn you off. You appreciate the simpler side of living.

Your Top Ten Traits

1. Liberal
2. Romantic
3. Big-Hearted
4. Practical
5. Sensual
6. Athletic
7. Funny
8. Outgoing
9. Intellectual
10. Traditional

Your Top Ten Match Traits

1. Romantic
2. Conservative
3. Practical
4. Outgoing
5. Traditional
6. Athletic
7. Funny
8. Intellectual
9. Wealthy/Ambitious
10. Sensual

Take the Dating Personality Quiz - Get Dating Advice

baymenxpac@aol.com — Fri, 25 Mar 2005 07:07:27 GMT

i just stumbled upon a succession of songs in my ipod that remind me of some wonderful times

but i shall not subject you to another reminisant entry about music

instead, i think i'll just write

i planned on this being an entry with some kind of meaning. alas. it shall all probably be mindless banter

i got my mind set on you

sighh. next year is my last year of school? does that even sound right? i suppose that maybe it's the lack of enjoyment i've been getting out of the study of life this semester, but i think i'm ready. maybe it's because i'm just so damn anxious to start a life. to depend on someone and, in tern, have them depend on me. to be someone's dad. to be someone's hero. to finish on a friday and sit in traffic on the highway :) in all seriousness, the one thing i've always looked foward to for as long as i can remember is to be someone like my father. i guess as i graduate college, i move on step closer to that goal.

but as i regress to, in comparison, child-like worries, i sit in wonder. i worry about this summer sometimes, as in what it's going to be like. i know a lot of working out, softball, plenty of sun, which is all extremely nice. i would like it to include other things, too. some more than others. you know what i wanna do? start a band. i know, right? especially since everyone is so busy. i just thought it'd be fun. atleast to have a few jam sessions, play some songs. one of my pipe dreams, i suppose. yet, young summers are not complete without a few dreams that need fufillment.

i know now, just quite how, my life and love might still go on. in your heart. in your mind. i stay with you for all of time

i think maybe it's because i can barely fill a friday night with evenful plans. i dunno. sometimes, you know what i think? what happened to the group? my group? remember that? adam, brian, jj, sara, mike, sharon, moe, anthony. i mean, i know why we all stopped. we broke up, got in fights, grew apart. i just get nostalgic about it every once and a while. we're all probably so different now, and, god forbid, we ever got back together in one place, i think the interaction would be interesting. some of the best laughs i have, though, are telling those old stories. like throwing the rocks and scaring sharon, sara and rossi. planning all out friday nights in chorus on friday morning. watching zoolander. it's just a random sentiment, but within that sentiment comes comfort. we all are doing well in our respective endeavors. i just think about all those random nights of bowling and tgi friday's and the likes. 2002, where did you go?

you kill me you always know the perfect thing to say. hey, hey. hey, hey. i know what i should do, but i just can't walk away.

and 2004-2005, where did you come from? as we go onward and foward, it makes me ask: have you ever looked back and realized just how completely random your last, maybe 6 months or so have been? not so much random in action, but things you never, ever thought would happen. i, personally, don't remember how i filled my time before the august disney trip, besides spending my time with sandy. well, i suppose i do, but it hurts too much to think about that. regardless, it does make you appreciate how life passes us by way too quickly, and how it can change in an instant. i think maybe because we get so caught up in the every day run around, that we don't stop and ask ourselves if we're really happy with what we have and what we're doing. sometimes, you just need to look at it all from a distance and fully appreciate how everything evoles. i was saying today how working until one is, like, 70 is such a waste of a human existance. i can't wait to just slow life down. take in every single word, breath, image, moment and appreciate it for it's beauty. i try my best to do that, but life just moves at a pace that doesn't allow it. when i do look at the change in my life, though, i can relish the fact that as the days go on, i cherish the days that pass and embrace the change that occurs.

i am finally seeing. i was the one worth leaving

and flashback to a moment out of the last unpredictable half a year or so that i'm not quite sure what i was thinking or how i even got through things. do you want to know what truly scares me? what if you just change one little thing along the way? like, what if back in december, i never got a return phone call? what if one random night in august, mike convinced me to go bowling instead of going to starbucks? throw it back even further. what if, after doing and despising jazz choir in 9th grade, what if i never tried out again that one day in june of 2000? who would i be? what would i be doing? who would i still know? as naive as this might seem, that's the kind of stuff that makes me believe in god. maybe that's silly, because may would say god has more pressing issues than the matters of a single person's heart, but that's just me, i suppose. suffice to say, things have worked out nicely for me thus far.

gonna take a lot to drag me away from you. there's nothin that a hundred men or more could ever do. i bless the rains down in africa.

this entry...it truly has no purpose but a futile attempt to try and jot down a few of my racing thoughts. continue reading, only at your own disgression.

every night i pray, i'll have you here someday. i'll count the stars tonight. and hope with all my might.

do you know what i live in fear of every day? losing hope. is that sick? or maybe somewhat paranoid? i suppose it might be. i guess just in general, not even down to a specific matter. i try not to be cynical. i think sarcastic and cynical get blended together too much to the point where they become synonomous. they're not, though. i know this world is never going to be perfect, so i'm a realist to this extent, and i know that the happiness of one or two people don't speak for the entire race of a people. i just like to find hope in the little things. the fact that my parents still kiss every time they leave the house after 25 years of marriage. or that my hand might merely slightly brush against another's and i feel this charge of, not so much tension, but just pure caring. it makes me remember what i truly find to be the semblences of love. i never want that to die in me. once again, i regress.

always remember the sound of the stereo, the dim of the soft lights, the scent of your hair that you twirled in your fingers and the time on the clock when we realized it's so late and this walk that we shared together

the majority of my most genuine and sincere moments in my short life have been doing the simpliest things. taking a walk, driving in a car, laying in the grass of the field i played my very first baseball game on. i would have it no other way, i suppose. where's the meaning in a gesture? i know a girl. she cut through me in a way that pained me more than anyone i've ever know, and not because of how the events unfolded or the resulting memories, but just purely because there was no caring. no emotion. no raw, unbridaled innocence of feeling that could be found as easily in a whisper as in the stars. i've felt certain moments, the most honest ones, just appear without planning, but when thrust infront of you, are the most incredible to endulge upon.

cause there's reasons, darling, you'll never know. and i can't even start to explain how they go.

what stains the human soul more than uncertainty and dishonesty? i was thinking this over the other day in the shower, of all places. that being said, it surprises me that i never fully understood that i should base a relationship solely around honesty until fairly recently. that has resulted in, most likely, the single most important and deepest connection i've ever had with someone. i guess i found a recipe for success. i think i'm losing my mind.

i survive on the breath you're finished with

i find myself to be a fairly simple man with simple desires, thoughts and needs. i also find myself to be extremely enchanted with anything that captures the essence of what i feel in the deepest entrenches of my soul, that purely of love. that being said, i find this entry to be so out of sync with any kind of phonetic and coheasive writing purely from the fact that just so many things keep me in awe on a daily basis: the way you feel after stepping into a car that's been left in the sun, a hardy laugh between parents and a child, a pair of the most beautiful, brown eyes i've ever seen. so why? why should i be restricted? revisiting the past, analyzing my thoughts, appreciating both the turmoil and serenity of every day life, it's all part of what we do every single day. and anyone who's ever truly lived this life. and braved what it's like to feel knows exactly of which i speak.

i've reached 2am, and whenever that happens, i stroll through my still of my house, crack the blinds in the living room ever so slighly and just sit and admire the silence of the night. embrace the tints of blacks and blues as they play upon the imagination of a boy that looks foward to the eventual rising of the sun every waking day. and so, we've spoke of the past, of hope, of sorrow, of love. what we are always reassured of, though, is undoubtedly the promise of tomorrow's next saga.

i believe that my life's gonna see the love i give returned to me